From Scorn to Serenity: A Lesson in Love

It was my second ceremony ever. My first had left me underwhelmed to say the least. I had gone to this retreat with so much anticipation; after reading countless trip reports and watching documentaries, I’d been expecting an ordeal. I had been filled with dread and was terrified about facing all my problems, of which I’d made a mental laundry list. But I was resolved to fix them, and if this is what it would take then so be it. So, I braced myself for the ordeal.

But nothing had happened. I drank two cups, with absolutely no effect besides drastically lowering my sleep quality. I’d been baffled at first, but it had soon turned into scorn, and I’d considered leaving the retreat early. However during the group share I’d been convinced to give the second night a try, to give the medicine another chance. I’d been told that my expectations had been too rigid. I should try to be more open going in to the experience. Ayahuasca can’t do her work if you don’t let her in.

I went in for a second round

So that’s what I did. I thought to myself, well I’ll try being open before I write this off as hokey nonsense, or declare myself irreparably broken. I doubted anything would come of it, but at least I wouldn’t be disappointed.

So I drank, and I waited. It was a non-traditional ceremony, and the facilitators were playing musical instruments and reading poetry in different languages. I relaxed and enjoyed it just as I’d normally relax and enjoy the arts any other time.

The first thing I noticed were some physical effects.  Yawning, feeling cold and shivering, and the need to clench my jaw. Spontaneous laughter until tears sprung from my eyes which just as inexplicably segued into sobbing. I glanced at one of the facilitators and saw that his head separated into little pixels. Ok, I thought. I think something is happening now!

Ayahuasca appeared before me

The room we were in appeared to change. No longer a wooden hut in the Alpine mountains, we were somewhere hot, and it was made out of stone. We seemed to have slipped into a time long gone. I felt a strong connection with all humans who had ever lived before me.

Ayahuasca appeared before me, as the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life, more beautiful than anything I could have imagined. She was blue, her skin shimmered like snakeskin, and she had jewels on her face. She began to weep.

Love yourself, she said. That is your message.

I received this message telepathically. But as I received it I already knew. Of course I need to do that first. How ridiculous was it that I’d written this laundry list of issues to resolve when I still hadn’t mastered this basic necessity.

We began to weep together

We are the same, she told me. This beautiful creature had the most gentle soul. How could I not have been showing her the love she deserved? I began to weep too, and as we wept together I felt everything that she had ever bore. All the pain and suffering of humanity and our ancestors. All their joy. We felt a beaming pride at these fallible yet remarkable beings we’d created.

Our children. Us.

Take care of them, take care of yourself. You and they are one and the same.

A bubbling visceral energy suddenly started to expand rapidly from my core and I leaned forward and purged. It felt like a dark green slime, and the experience merged with it as the experience of being a component of primordial soup.

I leapt up and started to dance

I came to with a sense of elapsed time; I think I’d briefly passed out. I felt a new wave of energy, and leapt up and started to dance. Others joined me, and as we danced around a candle I felt a deep sense of connection, like we were dancing around an ancient fire. I danced until I was tired and then flopped onto my mattress with a contented smile.

I had a couple hours shallow sleep, and in the morning one of our dormies opened the window and gasped. “Jolie!” he exclaimed, and we all crowded around to look outside. The snow on the mountain peaks glistened in the morning sunlight, as clouds breezed by beneath us, obscuring the valley below. It was a truly majestic spectacle, symbolizing how on top of the world we all felt.

As of today this is still one of my fondest ayahuasca experiences, and the lesson that was to be the foundation of all the others. It is still a work in progress. I’m so glad that I gave it a chance.