DMT – A Tool for Understanding Life

DMT ARTWORK BY ROGER ESSIG

By Stephen Linden, USA

I had my first real experience a few months back. First, a little background on me and why I wanted to try DMT. I was an atheist and unsure what life had in store for me - or what I wanted to do with it. I had always felt a bit different; I had experienced some pretty bad traumas and spent a lot of time locked up as a kid. I did some stupid things growing up (like most) and seemed to be lacking positive direction. This turned into anxiety/depression on multiple occasions.  

My introduction to the molecule

One day an acquaintance offered me a surreal opportunity. This person had told me all about the medicine and I wanted to experience it, but alone. He refused and said he would want to trip sit since he created the medicine himself. I politely declined while I decided on a way to prepare for this.  

A week later he came back over to hang out and offered me the medicine again, saying it was a real eye opener and he'd hate to see me lose the opportunity. He only had a single dose left - enough to get someone to that “special place".

I sat for around 10 minutes with ambient music playing (that just happened to be queued on YouTube). I had a feeling of déjà vu, followed by that super-intense anticipation you feel right before a super special event happens. I was ready. I'd hit a wall in life and I felt like I couldn't figure anymore out about myself or change for the better, so I decided to plunge into the spiritual realm… and I was in for the most intense ride of my entire life.

My friend made a mixed batch in a bong with some marijuana and equal amounts of DMT - which seemed like a massive amount! I'd dabbled before with low doses when more young and naive, so I knew I was in for a real intense ride looking at the amount. He told me to focus on breathing and no matter what happens it's all my "perception"; to remember I'm safe and remember to breathe at all times.

The first hit: Catapulted into space

After 10 minutes of mental prep I tentatively took the first hit and inside of 30 seconds or less I started to see this muddy brown color behind my eyes turn into a blend of washed darker colors as it faded into...  light, I guess. I saw shapes bouncing around my vision and they would blend the black into a form of color as they trailed back and forth. I started feeling bit giddy inside, thinking that it was really happening - just like everyone talked about.  

Suddenly the bouncing shapes left and there was only color. I felt incredible G-forces, or some sort of heaviness, and I felt my ‘essence’ was being catapulted into space... Purple turned to black, and I heard these electrical buzzes in my head and felt a sense of vibration filling up my entire body - but meeting around my heart.  

Now I was fighting the voice in my head telling me I really fucked up this time, and I had really done myself in… I was going to leave this and move on, etc. I started to wonder if this was even a bad thing; I wasn't in pain and didn't feel sad… I took a real deep breath and the voice in my head started fading into something like an abyss until it had fully died.

I found myself in a checkerboard room with ‘living’ pillars

I the found myself looking at pillars coming out of a square room made of squares; think cubical looking checkerboard, but in 360degree view and ever-changing from square to any kind of shape. I was somehow in it. The pillars had runic symbols on them and were coming out the ground at every angle, bending towards my face.

One pillar met me face-to-face in the middle of this abstract twisting ‘room’, which may have actually been a mechanical being. I didn't panic, just took a deep breath and heard the sound of intense electrical buzzing in my head. It seemed like I was being re-wired. The images felt like a distraction from what was happening inside, like something trying to convey impossible concepts that blow your mind and somehow seem to hurt to look at like bright light when you first wake up.

So the pillar is in my face, and as I take a massive breath I feel a distinct popping sensation in the middle of my forehead and my eyes immediately pull to the center behind my eyelids… as if I had no choice but to roll my eyes in the back of my head. I went ‘through’ this pillar with a distinctive feeling that I had ‘made it’… and yet it was only another layer.

The second hit: A female praying mantis

I got excited after the initial breakthrough so took a second massive hit. The journey continued seamlessly and I entered a kaleidoscopic, fractal, spherical room in which I could see in 180degree vision without moving my head. I didn't feel human anymore but still felt I was me. The fractals looked like broken glass arranged to complete a picture puzzle, with DNA strands spinning in the middle of each triangle piece (which was around the size of dime). Suddenly a being formed in the center and got really close to my face.

I felt frozen with fear, like a child before being punished. The being felt female and was talking to me in place of my voice in my head - the thoughts weren't my own, and the conversation was not of this world… something impossible to convey. She backed off and I saw deep, black, insect-like eyes. Like a highly sophisticated praying mantis with an upper body of energy and light. 

Now she felt less tense and more loving and kind. As she grabbed me and held me close I felt like she was... mom, or the spirit of earth? I felt so unconditionally loved that I started crying tears of joy. Then I started to feel myself slipping back here, so I sat up quickly and took a final hit.

The final hit: Answers to life’s questions

I rapidly went back through the pillars and reached this motherly being. I kept telling her how beautiful she was, and she pulled me into a blinding white light that felt like another breakthrough in itself. I got the same distinctive ‘pop’ feeling but now the center of my head behind my eyes was lightly pulsing. I felt my pineal gland and got really excited again… more tears of sheer joy were flowing.  

The universe felt like it was literally making love to my body, but a love so much more intense than in this plane of existence. I had a moment of pure bright white, during which I felt I knew the answers to it all. I felt like I knew why we agreed to be here, and I knew we needed discipline to reach this on our own. It was the most clear I've ever felt, but it was very fleeting.

I knew we were all connected and that I've been here before. I felt that the being was important to me or somehow part of me. I felt like I had the answer to my biggest question: “What is life?”

It's not about what it is, it's where were going as a species. It's not about one person or ‘self’ per se, but I feel the kingdom is truly inside, and we don't yet have the tools to fully understand what that means. I've found that tool. It's in nearly every plant and some mammals. The ancients always knew it!

Back to ‘reality’ with newfound understanding

I faded down through what seemed to be a tunnel. Everything felt gentle and uplifted as I started regaining feeling in my body. The entity and the kaleidoscope were fading out of view. As I opened my eyes I was retreating back through the layers, which seemed like rings around the fading circle… something reminiscent of the ancient statue of Buddha with the halo, multiple rings and different intricate layers. I felt sure I had been somewhere else. As I fully arrived back here, I heard an inner voice cheering me on saying things like, “Way to go - you did it!” 

To conclude, you just can't convey the raw emotion and the impossible geometry and perceptions. But I really felt that we are something else - something just having a human experience. Nothing happens by mistake, everything has order and reason beyond our comprehension… something we just need to accept as a species or we will pay the price.