Divine Moments in a Test Tube

By Joao Meirinhos, creator of documentary “The Mirror of the Spirit”

I was somewhere in Wales, it was the 1st of January of 2012 and the first time that I ever smoked DMT. A friend was speaking Welsh on the phone, and I understood nothing besides DMT. I asked if I could get some, but no one else wanted to. So I did it by myself with my friends around.

I had read and studied quite a lot about it in the past but DMT is clearly the hallmark of "If you didn't try it, I can't describe it to you". I will try though. So many people are interested in knowing about DMT or ayahuasca experiences to see if they can handle it. Many of those (after I describe my experience), frequently say: "Oh I don't think that's good for me, I have so many issues in the closet, I'm afraid of what might come up".

When Amazonian shamans say that the plant is always right, or when Western neo-shamans mention you will only be given the experience you are ready to handle at that time... well, that's all probably true.

The first attempt was simply fun

After the second of third toke, numb effects kick in, I can't hold the bong any longer and I feel this hiss sound, as if a lizard’s tail was crawling inside my skull… and I "hear" this comment: "Oh this one is not ready to see the whole thing".

First time I didn't go all the way, but it was freaking hilarious because my 4 mates turned into open eyed lego versions of themselves. For real. They were them, but as if they went through a Simpsons portal. I got hysterical. There were crazy parts all over any empty surface that would change rapidly.

I knew I didn't have long in this realm so I tried to make the most of it. I grabbed a mirror and funnily enough, there was no Simpsons version of myself, whilst all my surroundings had changed. It was a lot of fun but that was all that was for my first attempt.

I wondered what this "voice" was though, letting me know I'm not ready to go further? There is somehow a strong connection between our own immune system and DMT. Why is a substance able to hold such agency, such intent towards our singular well being, such... personality even? People that haven't tried this ride will NEVER be able to comprehend what it is to truly believe you are about to die. On the flip side it can be a very disconnecting happening.

The second time, I died

After a beautifully confusing first try, I went in again and... there was absolutely nothing on the other side and it was not pleasant at all (like I've read it happens frequently). The feeling was of a wide open black space; I felt I was crushed inside a test tube and there were these professional voices kindly explaining to me that ‘it was over’ and I had to die.

So they were pushing out of the test tube and I was resisting this as much as I could. They insisted they were sorry, but this had to be done. At light speed, all my sweat, angst, all my neurochemical reactions were analysed and cataloged at high speed.

The fear was so real, I shit myself! They analysed my faeces and numbers and calculations appeared in the screen of my mind almost automatically. "Oh he is a feisty one", I ‘heard’ and the pushing me out of the tube continued. I found no universal love in this attempt - merely an encounter with my own utter terror to disappear and cease to exist.

Minutes felt like weeks

I was able to open my eyes couple of minutes later (that felt like weeks) and I saw my friend’s face. Her face multiplied for thousands in an endless landscape. I put my hand inside my pants to figure out if I'd actually shit myself in fear. Nope.

Nothing happened on this plain after all. But this feeling, the moment of not being ‘here’ anymore. That shit stays with you forever. And I trust it's something everybody would find useful to experience before they actually die.