A Reunion with Ayahuasca and a Restoration of Faith

After some challenging, soul-shaking experiences with ayahuasca in the jungle in February 2018, I had found myself 8 months later really struggling with integration. Some deep, dark and long unacknowledged shit had been brought up to the surface and I was trying to work on it but I was drowning. I wasn’t even sure whether ayahuasca had been a good idea, in some aspects I felt worse than before; and so I had doubts that doing it again would be wise.

I had to do something though, I was lost. I had felt drawn to huachuma, and when my SO booked us on a retreat offering huachuma I agreed, even though the retreat would primarily focus on ayahuasca. During the months leading up to retreat I had flip-flopped between not even considering the ayahuasca and going with the sole intention of huachuma, and tentatively deciding to give it one last try, though vowing that if I had issues as hard as I’d had since the last time then it would be make or break; this could be my last time ever.

I was terrified of meeting ayahuasca again

I was also terrified, and even if I made the decision to drink I knew there was a high chance I would pussy out at the last minute. I made up my mind to try, and to take all the steps as if I were to drink, then if I found the courage to do so I would have everything in place. One of the steps was to give full disclosure in the intentions interview with the shamans. This is something I had failed to do last time, and I wondered if that could have been the reason for my struggles with integration.

It was hard to do this due to the personal nature of the things I had to say. I made eye contact with the younger shaman, and he held my gaze in such a hypnotic way, I was captivated by him. I felt though he was staring deep into my soul and I felt that this man reeeeeally knows his shit with the medicine! I trusted him. Due to the information I had disclosed, I was told I would not drink on the first night anyway. Instead I was put on a plant diet for the week, but I was told I could be able to drink the next day.

I attended the first ceremony, and although I didn’t drink ayahuasca I still purged (in the form of tears); also I had some visions and insights (not like ayahuasca visions and insights, more like those of meditation or quiet reflection). The shaman came to see me after ceremony and made a gesture and said some things to me which evoked a deep sense of mutual trust. He had sung me some icaros and given me this flower medicine which he had blown smoke over, and something was already working within me.

Despite the large dose, I took a leap of faith

It took me some time to commit to it but when I finally joined a ceremony, I was nervous as ever. But I put on my new favorite ceremony outfit (long white flowing shirt, loose pink pants and a pale blue silk scarf) and went to take my spot. I had a mantra, for the first time ever, and I repeated it over and over to myself slowly. Something changed. This ceremony was different to all the others… but I knew that it was me that was different.

I took my cup, closed my eyes, blew on it and asked her to help me and give me what I need in a gentle and loving way. Then I drank. It was a half dose as advised by the shamans (due to my medical disclosures, low body weight and prior sensitivity to the medicine). I still thought it was too much, as I’d been unable to walk or communicate last time I’d drunk that much! But I took the leap of faith, even when I watched the younger shaman nod slowly at the dose (which looked like over half to me) without even opening his eyes!!

I knew that I had to avoid the distraction of the visuals

Usually as I sit back on my mattress I am immediately filled with dread. Like “oh NO, wtf have I done?”… despair at the commitment I just made. But not this time. Actually I’ve never felt so calm in my life. I felt strong, calm and focused. This is NOT how I normally am in anything in life! I embraced it, but resisted the temptation now that I was free from anxiety just to sit back, relax and watch the lights. That’s not why you’re here, I reminded myself. Though I had no fear, that did not mean I could just go for a good time. That’s not what I’m here for. I still have to do the work. So I sat up, repeated my mantra. Focussed on intentions. All the stuff I usually fail to do!

Suddenly I felt the chill, the familiar chill the moment the spirit enters my body. It breathes in to me, like a smoke or a vapour, and it enters as though injected into me through a tube. It originates somewhere in my lower torso and soon fills out every contour of my body from the inside. It’s a disconcerting sensation and one that usually freaks me out. But I remained calm, accepted the spirit inside me and asked for help as I continued with my mantra.

First I noticed astral projection. I projected somewhere above the ceiling, and my sister was beside me. She was naked and kneeling on all fours in “the Cat” yoga pose. Her natural, undressed feminine beauty and poise was so exquisite, I was laughing about how wonderful and perfect she is, and revelling in her joy and her light. But then she began to weep, and I felt all her pain and anguish she had suffered over recent years. Suddenly naked and exposed she seemed vulnerable, and I was struck with intense compassion and empathy for her, and reminded of how deep my love for her is. I realized that the compassion and empathy is something I could have expressed more outwardly when she’d needed it, I could have supported her better when she needed it the most.

I could see auras around the shamans

I bounced between several other projections, but they allude me now and none were so significant as the first. Then I was back in the room, having realized that I’d just let myself get swept away I tried lighting up some mapacho and smoking it. I never smoke mapacho! It’s too harsh for me and I can’t get the hang of smoking without inhaling. But this time, as was a theme of the night, things were different. I was different.

As I smoked the mapacho, I looked at the shamans, and I could see an aura around them, like a rainbow arcing from one end of the room to the other over their heads and behind them. It was glowing green and animated. They began to sing icaros and suddenly things intensified. The now-so-familiar “ayahuasca space” began phasing in and out, getting deeper all the time. I became weary and my head felt wobbly so I tried to lie down, but when I lay back the visions started to consume me and the fear came back some. Repeating my mantra became increasingly more challenging in positive association with it seeming increasingly more important to hold on to.

I went through a range of emotions, most of them I purged in the form of laughter or tears. Sometimes even while sitting up the medicine was coming on so strong that I needed to do even more to stay focused. I lit some palo santo and watched it burn before fizzling to a glowing ember, which I waved slowly from side to side, watching it glow and pulsate and breathing in the delicious scent from its smoke.

Ayahuasca is not some judgmental menace

Something became apparent, which soon turned out to be the theme of the evening. I’d never fully grasped the concept of the mareaceón before. I knew that ayahuasca made me see bright lights, patterns and colors, that I had visions on ayahuasca; that I had other-worldly experiences and that I had trouble with walking and standing up; that I might need to purge. I’d seen all these possibilities as separate, formidable, potential side effects. But it dawned on me that they’re really all just the same thing: the mareaceón.

Furthermore, ayahuasca isn’t some judgemental menace, threatening to have her way with me at her fancy. I don’t have to drink and then immediately roll over into submission and sentence myself to several hours of suffering and misery. I don’t have to fear this. When shit starts getting real, I could panic: “Oh no, I’m fucking losing it!”, and allow it to go south, or I could choose not to. I could gently remind myself that this is the mareaceón, and I got this. For the first time in my life I realized this. And it’s not just with ayahuasca but with many other aspects of my day to day life.

I was inspired by two facilitators, both of whom looked so graceful in their own long flowing white robes and loose hair, and both so gentle and light and soft as they whispered to you when you needed help. I’d been debating with myself about using the bathroom, I wasn’t sure if I needed to purge from my ass. “Do I need to? Do I remember what it feels like? Would I remember how to do it anyway? What if I forget what an asshole is?!” Funny as that sounds, it seemed like a real possibility in the state I was in, so I decided to call for help. These women, not much heavier than I am, had drunk more ayahuasca than I had. Yet while they held me up as I staggered across the room like the village drunkard, they almost seemed to glide, as if they had no feet!

The facilitators played harps and guitars while they sang

Soon after they got out harps and guitars and started singing and playing the most beautiful medicine songs. How do they do that?, I marvelled. That must take some training, to be able to help others, and to play so well while under the influence of this powerful medicine! I concluded that they must have started somewhere near where I was at right now, just getting the hang of keeping my head mostly above it, learning that I have some sort of autonomy over my experience in ceremony, some ability to stay present.

The music was outstanding, and the icaros were epic. The mareaceón ramped up again and the exertion from sitting up was beginning to take its toll. My head felt like it was lolling around so much it may fall off! I tried to lie back, but nope. No way. Every time I tried I felt myself being sucked into that place: the place of utter despair - the void that I’d drowned in for what seemed like half of eternity back in the jungle last year. It had to be sitting up straight, no matter how tough it was.

The medicine showed me myself sitting up, like a strong woman, and how I can do this for regular-life situations too, and I’d be rewarded just like I’m being rewarded now with a beautiful ayahuasca experience gained from my hard work. I have control. I am not feeble. It was challenging, but absolutely fucking beautiful! So swirly, and fractal, so gentle, yet powerful, so light, so perfect, so ethereal, so sacred.

The shaman silently told me that this was my prescription

I started to come down a little from the peak. I saw the shaman (in a vision) he was sitting cross legged like the Buddha, eyes closed and smiling, exhaling gently. He was surrounded by an aura of gold, with turquoise and magenta flowing behind and bathed in wispy clouds of other-worldliness. Without speaking, he told me, “This was your prescription”. And I was in ecstasy and awe, he knew all along! He put this in place, he made this precise and bespoke experience just for me and it had been exactly what I’d needed.

It was as though he’d been deep inside my soul and written the program to fix the bugs in there, like he knew me and what’s good for me better than I know myself. I thought about how I could express my gratitude to them the next day, and envisioned myself throwing my arms up and yelling, “Wunderbar, magnifique!” before quietly contemplating all that had happened, and with a huge grin of utter bliss, I was finally able to lie down.

By the time I was called for my Arkana icaro, I was feeling no effects besides a warm fuzzy afterglow. I knelt down before the shaman, and suddenly Shanti the cat walked in to the maloka and started miaowing loudly! I laughed, the shaman laughed, I could not have thought of a more perfect interruption nor a more welcome gatecrasher! My husband was called up beside me and we received our icaro together, it was a prayer for us and our children. It was beautiful, I held hands with my husband and the shaman while we received our blessings.

My faith in myself had been restored

Soon after it was time to eat fruit and drink tea! I was feeling great. That ceremony has been the perfect complement to the deep and chaotic experiences of the jungle. It has restored my faith in the medicine and restored my faith in myself. I feel more capable now to continue working on my integration and to be the strong role model for my children that I want to be. I say that I needed both retreats; the jungle for the heavy lifting and the sacred valley for fine-tuning. After having both, I feel a new balance, harmony and completeness.

I feel like my work with the medicine for now is done, (as far as ceremony is concerned, though I have lots of work to do on integration. I’d always thought that if I felt like this then I would close the chapter on ayahuasca, but on the contrary; I feel like a door has been opened. I now feel the call from ayahuasca to help others. I have realized this not just from the ceremony described in this report, but also from other experiences I had in the sacred valley and from the ceremonies I attended there in which I did not drink. I’d like to give back to the community some time, and once I have my own integration fully underway. This is what I plan for my next intention.